Waiting

I usually use this blog to post seeds of wisdom that God has placed in my life...but I'm feeling fresh out of those today.  So instead, since no one reads this blog, and since it's has about 12 page views a month, 90% of which are for Russia, I'm going to ramble on about my life for my lovely fans in Russia.

I'm a senior in college.  I graduate this spring.  That's awesome, because I've hated college (still do-even though everyone told me I'd love it and it'd be the best years of my life-but that's for another day), but...what happens next?  I guess that's the question we hit at so many different points in our life.  Many times, there seems like there is a clear "next path" but there are many times where that isn't the case.  For those of us not interested in grad school, at least at this point of our lives, my fellow graduating class of 2013 is in the same boat as I am.  Many have gone to school, finished a degree program, and know exactly what field they want a job in after college.  I've done A and B...but C doesn't follow.  I'm student teaching this semester, and it's taught me something pretty significant:  I can do something where I like each of the individual pieces of the overall job, but when they are all put together, I hate it.  I dread going to school.  I've been counting down the weeks until I'm done since I started.  "That doesn't make any sense, because you just said that you like the individual pieces of the job," you say.  Exactly.  How can I like the individual pieces but not the whole picture? I have discovered one factor it comes down to:

GOD.

Yep.  That's it.  I can't put my finger on any other reason why I don't want to be a music teacher.  The par that makes no sense to me is I've wanted to be a music teacher since I was 12.  I clearly remember deciding as a sixth or seventh grader that I wanted to spend the rest of my life playing with instruments and teaching other people how to play them.  I went to college for just that-and God said NO WAY JOSE.  So I transferred, changed my major...and then God opened up the door for this brand new degree program at my school:  vocal music education.  So it's not exactly what I had wanted, but I can't see me doing either after college (even though I'm not endorsed to teach instrumental music, so in all reality, it's a moot point).  But what I am mostly confused about it why God led me back to music to tell me no again now.  I know...God's providence is never something that makes sense in advance.  I'll look back years from now, or in heaven, and be grateful that God led me where He did.  But it's so frustrating facing the unknown.  I have 7 little weeks left and then I have a part time job only unless something else comes up.  I've been applying like crazy around the country since there are all of 3 jobs open within a three hour radius from home.  I'm praying that God leads me to the right job.  I'm praying that He leads my family to the place where we are supposed to be after we graduate in May.  Truth of the matter is, I know for a fact He will.  But I'm incredibly impatient.  I hate seasons of waiting, but I know they are what God uses to draw us back closer to Him.  In the busyness of this season of life, I've wandered away from spending as much time with God as I ought to.  I'm grateful for His gift.  I do a darn poor job of reflecting that...and that's gotta change.

One other thing I've been pondering about in the last day or so...dreams.  What are my dreams, what are my goals?  For the past few years, I've been content to say that I have no idea what to do and that God has a plan and I'm simply trusting that He'll lead me to a place where I am ultimately happy and best working for Him.  Yet the world tells me I should have a dream after college, and quite honestly my main dreams are this:  To enjoy life with my husband.  To find some sort of job that I feel called to, at least for now, and that I enjoy walking in the door in the morning at least 60% of the time.  To be content in the fact that I am a daughter of God, I am only beginning to discover what He has in mind for our lives, and to know that no matter what happens on this Earth, it will all be okay on the day where I am fully redeemed and get to live with Him and party it up for all of eternity.  And I hope it includes a whole lot of singing-especially by children.  There is nothing like the joy and excitement of children, and that is one thing I am definitely amazed by (and many days overwhelmed by) every day as I teach this semester.

So if you've actually managed to read this whole post, I guess here are the main points of learning:
1) I hate waiting.
2) God says yes, then no, then yes, then no to what seem like the logical path to me.  I don't understand.  But God's ways are greater than mine.  For now, I'm going to hold on to that and trust that there has been a reason for all of this yes then no then yes then no to the path that I thought He was leading me on.
3) It's okay to wait for God to place the dreams in your heart that are His desires for your life.  I don't know what my dreams are right now, except I think they involve youth ministry.  God does...and I'm trying to remain content in that and not feel like there is something wrong with me because I have no idea what the next step is from here.
4) The future is a big question mark-but, in many ways, it always is, isn't it?

Peace, my Russian friends.  May God bring hope and joy in to your life and speak to you in some small way this week as we begin to celebrate Holy Week tonight.  Tonight's breaking of the bread is the beginning of the journey to the cross...and the beginning to our life with Him that starts now and simply gets better and more full as we prepare to meet Him.  Dream of the future where we don't have to worry about jobs or money or life on Earth-dream of a future where all we do is worship and bask in love and glory that are too great for even our imaginations right now.

Some other things to check out if you want:
http://agirlikeme.com/  One of my favorite blogs.  I read it pretty regularly.  Awesome, raw truth on life.
https://soundcloud.com/mattkirkmusic/sets/shabach-a-hymn-collection  I'm obsessed with this music today.