Lay Down My Life

It's late and I should be sleeping...but it's been awhile since I've blogged on here and I feel like God's placing some things on my heart tonight for me to think about, and for some reason I am feeling like I should be sharing this here...so here we go.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again, but I feel kind of out of place in this world sometimes.  I mean, God calls us to live in this world but apart from it...not aloof, but apart...but I just have a hard time living in it sometimes.  I feel like I've been living more aloofly lately.  I don't feel like I fit in well with those around me, and as I'm sitting here thinking about it, I feel pretty alone in life much of my day.  I mean, I can count on one hand the number of relationships in my life that I feel I am getting as much from as I am putting into them.  But the second while I was praying tonight, whining about that, God keeps putting these lyrics in my head:


And I lay down my life for you
this is the moment when all will be made new


As I think about what God is trying to get through my "thick skin" tonight with that thought, I just keep realizing how amazing it is that Jesus would lay down His life for me.  But He did!  And then I keep thinking how many people would I do that in my life for?  As I said...I can count them on one hand.  Wait up, hold on a minute-what standard am I using to judge whether I would lay down my life for a person?  I can name a whole list, but it comes down to love and how I feel their feelings are towards me.  But wait-God didn't sit down and say Jesus would only die for X, Y, and Z because they loved Him "enough" and showed Him their love "enough"...nope, He died for all of us.  It wasn't easy-"Father, if it is possible, take this cup from me" but yet this same man, dying on the cross says "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." I can't help but think that Jesus had to be absolutely terrified knowing He was going to lay down His life for us...but at the same time, He died willingly for me.  Not because I was special, not because I loved Him enough-because He loved ME that much, before I was even born.  So what am I doing wrong in my life?  Now, I'm not saying I should go jump in front of a bus for every single person I ever see in life, but it's become pretty obvious to me today (yesterday, at this point...) that apparently I'm not doing something right in life right now.  Going back to what I already said, "I can count on one hand the number of relationships in my life that I feel I am getting as much from as I am putting into them."  Are those the only relationships that matter in life?  The ones that I feel I am getting something from?  I could go into a whole sociologist's perspective on this, but I'll refrain.  Apparently I feel like I'm not getting much out of the people around me these days, but at the same time, what am I doing wrong here?  If I've stopped putting anything in, well, it's sure hard for me to expect that they will love me and treat me the way I want to be treated.  Golden rule, and all...but also, when we look at our example of perfect love...He was willing to die for us merely because we would exist.  God made us in His image...and Jesus died for us.  God, forgive me, for I know not what I have done.  Show me how to love as you do, because I am falling way short with this right now.  It's so tough to look around and see the same old struggles and pain and still dive in and try and love everyone where they are while I deal with my own struggles in life right now.  But isn't a life lived with love a more worthwhile life to be living?

I confess that I've been blind, 
open up this heart of mine, 
show me how to love
farther than this world I know
take me where You want me to go
show me how to love 


This is my prayer tonight.