Weary

Weary.  Beat up.  Downtrodden.  This blog looks like I have it all together, when really I don't at all.  "How often we allow people to draw the wrong conclusions or impressions by withholding evidence. We want to give the impression we are spiritual when we are not. We try to appear happy when our heart is breaking. We try to look sophisticated when we are desperate and despondent. Faith is facing up to reality and dealing openly with others, even when the truth may appear to put us in jeopardy or may make us vulnerable."  So I'm going to be a little vulnerable today.  My life always seems like one thing after another after another.  I'd be lying if I said I had it all together.  I'm weak; I'm broken.  Things keep going wrong this summer-one thing after another after another.  If I didn't understand spiritual warfare before this summer, I sure do now.  Every time I feel like there's been a slight victory, something else happens that makes me want to say, "God, where in the world are You in this?"  But you know what, that is the beauty of God.  He is in this regardless of where I'm at.  Even when I'm not feeling Him, I've got to keep searching for Him in the midst of everything.  He is bigger than anything and everything I am dealing with or that could possibly happen before the day I get to meet Him, when I can run into His arms, be made new all over again, and fully experience the love He has created me to receive.  It'll be an awesome day.  But there is a lot of here and now to deal with before I get there.  Everyday recently, I've kept saying that there is no way I could feel more broken than I do in this moment.  And everyday, some new something happens that makes me reevaluate how broken this world really is.  Chaos, strife, pain, brokenness...it's the story of humanity.  But there's another story, a greater story.  There is One who is coming who will redeem, restore, and renew all of creation.  There is hope in the midst of trouble.  Hold on now, my friends, because it will be worth it in the end.  

I've had many people tell me lately how strong I am.  I'd like to correct that-I am not strong at all.  I am so so very weak.  He is strong.  "I need Your strength to feel this weak," as a favorite song of mine says.  He will carry me through all of this.  I've also had people tell me that they don't know how I'm holding onto my faith as well as I am considering everything going on.  But here's the deal-if I didn't hold on to my faith, what does that leave me with?  My faith is exceptionally weak.  I'll be the first to admit it.  But I have to hold onto the hope that someday, God will make me completely new and take away all of the pain and everything going on.  There's a song (a couple of them, actually) that I've been playing pretty much on repeat and just holding onto the words they have to tell me.  These songs are "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3EWHPp80EA) and "The Redeemer" by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8JbSL0WeMc).  Some of my favorite lyrics in these songs include:  "Cause my whole world is caving in

But I feel you now more than I did thenHow can I come to the end of me                                                                                                                     But somehow still have all I need?"

"I don't have every answer in life

But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collideI lift my hands and give my life                                                                                                               This is how my weary heart stays alive"

"Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear

Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here"

I'm reaching the end of me-and yet, I have everything I need.  I have a supportive family.  I have friends that God has placed in my life, each for different purposes.  God has given me so much, even as I deal with everything.  "This is where Heaven and Earth collide"-right here, in me, when I lift my hands and my life to my Creator.  I LOVE that line.  And I wish I could ignore tragedy, pain, brokenness...but we are human, and these things are apart of our Earthly experience.  But God is bigger than all of this!  

There's a verse from 2 Corinthians that says "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  I am weak.  Let Christ be with me-and let Christ be with you in your weakness, too.   Let us strive for Him all of our days, no matter how easy or difficult that may seem.  For He is more worthy of our praise and adoration than anything else we could try to fill ourselves up with.  He will make us new.  I cannot wait.